Final Fantasy talk show style!
by SlashAddict
Summary: Tidus, Cloud, and Squall apear on the Ricki Lake special "Fathers Who Love, Fathers Who Leave"... ^_^


Fathers' Day: Final Fantasy Style  
  
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A/N: I love you Daddy! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this goofy little fic. I had lots of fun writing it, at least. Review and I'll give you a cookie! ^_^ Thank you, come again!  
  
This contains SPOILERS for Final Fantasy 7, 8, and 10! Please don't read this if you haven't already completed the games and don't want key points of their plots revealed ahead of time!  
  
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(Scene: The Ricki Lake Show: Fathers' Day Special! Tidus sits in a chair, looking shifty-eyed and nervous. The audience shouts a chorus of "Go Ricki! Go Ricki!" as Lake dances in front of the audience.)  
  
Lake: Thank you, thank you. Today we have a very special show for you: "Fathers Who Love, Fathers Who Leave!" But mostly it will involve fathers who leave. Meet our first guest, Tidus!  
  
Audience: -cheers-  
  
Lake: Now, Tidus. Tell us about your father.  
  
Tidus: -shifts uncomfortably- Well, my dad, Jecht, he was always kind of a jerk. Like when I was really little, he was really mean, always pushing me around and stuff. He thought he was so great, just 'cause he was a blitzball star or whatever.  
  
Audience: -sympathetic murmurs-  
  
Tidus: -encouraged- Then one day he suddenly disappeared, and then he turned back up after a few years. Only this time, he was a giant stone fish going by the name of Sin!  
  
Audience: -gasp-  
  
Tidus: Yeah! And then he started destroying stuff, and he tried to kill me!  
  
Audience: -bigger gasp-  
  
Lake: Thank you. Now that you've heard Tidus' side of the story, let's meet.Jecht!  
  
Jecht: -lumbers on stage in Sin costume-  
  
Audience: -boos-  
  
Jecht: Yeah, yeah, you're all a bunch of losers anyway. Just like my son Tidus here.  
  
Lake: That doesn't seem like a very nice way to talk about your son, Jecht.  
  
Jecht: Please, please, call me Sin.  
  
Lake: All right, Sin, tell us about your relationship with Tidus.  
  
Jecht: Well, Tidus, he was always a weenie. I've always thought he's a bit of a fairy, you know, I think he had a thing for my old buddy Auron. Prob'ly still does.  
  
Audience: -murmur-  
  
Tidus: That's not true! Don't listen to him! -blush- He lies! -turns to Jecht- You're a liar!  
  
Lake: That's it, communicate your feelings.  
  
Jecht: Don't deny it, boy. You're a fruit.  
  
Tidus: That's not true! I have a girlfriend now and stuff! Auron, he was just a passing schoolboy crush! -clamps a hand over his mouth, turning red-  
  
Jecht: -waves a flipper dismissively- Whatever. I don't know you. You're obviously not my son, I could never sire a fruitcake like you.  
  
Audience: -boos-  
  
Jecht: Hey, shuddup, all'a ya!  
  
Doorbell: -rings-  
  
Lake: Ohh, it seems we have a very special visitor! Who could it be? Let's find out!  
  
Audience: -cheers-  
  
Lake: -dramatically- It's.Auron!  
  
Auron: -opens the door and walks onstage, glaring menacingly at the audience-  
  
Audience: -stops cheering-  
  
Lake: We understand that you were the object of at least one of these men's affections, Sir Auron.  
  
Auron: I know.  
  
Lake: Can you tell us which man it is?  
  
Auron: -jerks his thumb at Jecht- The fish.  
  
Audience, Tidus, and Lake: -gasp-  
  
Jecht: Auron! You said it would stay a secret!  
  
Auron: Nothing's a secret anymore. You've betrayed me, and Lord Braska as well.  
  
Jecht: Don't you bring Brasky into this!  
  
Audience: -murmur-  
  
Tidus: -gapes at Jecht-  
  
Lake: Well, it seems that this family has a little bit of sorting out to do. Why don't you three go backstage and talk together with our counselors?  
  
Tidus: No way! Not with that hypocrite!  
  
Jecht: Hell no! -waves flippers in indignation-  
  
Auron: We're not a.family.  
  
Lake: Please, right this way. -stage door opens and bald, burly, larger- than-life security guards gesture at it, smiling-  
  
Tidus, Jecht, and Auron: -file through the doors-  
  
Tidus: I can take you, old man.  
  
Jecht: Not on your life, son.  
  
Auron: -steely glare-  
  
Lake: Well, now for our next guest, Cloud! Cloud says that Sephiroth was always an inspiring figure to him.until he had to destroy him in a battle to the death.  
  
Cloud: -walks out, looking horribly nervous- H-h-hi.  
  
Audience: Aww.  
  
Lake: I understand that you had an excellent relationship with your father- figure, until that fateful day. Why don't you tell us about it?  
  
Cloud: Well, I. -high-pitched buzzing noise as Cloud clutches his head- I.can't remember. aah.  
  
Lake: Cloud? Are you all right?  
  
Cloud: Yeah, I'm okay now. Well, he was very tall, with long gray hair. Aah! -loud buzzing noise as Cloud clutches his head and begins to blur- I.can't remember. Aah!  
  
Lake: Cloud?  
  
Green Light: -flashes-  
  
Cloud: -disappears-  
  
Lake: Hmm. oh well, that's not the first time we've had an abduction on the show. Well, our last guest is Squall. Squall says he never knew his father until very recently, when he found out his father is the ruler of a large and very secretive country. Let's give a warm welcome to.Squall!  
  
Squall: -walks onstage and sits down, not looking up at the audience or Lake-  
  
Lake: So, tell us about your father, Squall.  
  
Squall: .  
  
Lake: I see. Now, could you elaborate on that?  
  
Squall: . He deserted my mother to go off to war. She died giving birth to me, and then when the war was over, he never tracked me down to see that I was living in an orphanage. Now I'm a mercenary.  
  
Lake: How do you feel about your father now?  
  
Squall: .I hate him.  
  
Lake: I see. Well, let's bring out.Laguna!  
  
Laguna: -walks onstage grinning and waves to the audience-  
  
Audience: -boos-  
  
Laguna: Hey! -pouts and sits down next to Squall- Hi, son.  
  
Lake: So, Laguna, how do you feel about your son?  
  
Laguna: Oh, I love him! He looks just like his mother! He's a great kid!  
  
Squall: -glares at him-  
  
Lake: It seems that you're not entirely in touch with your son.  
  
Laguna: .What do you mean? I know exactly what Squall's thinking! -turns to Squall- I bet you're thinking, right now, 'Dot-dot-dot, whatever' like you always say! You're such a card, son!  
  
Squall: -glares icily-  
  
Laguna: Oh, Squall, we need to bond more! I think you're terrific! Want to play catch? -pulls out a ball and two gloves-  
  
Squall: -glares icily, but puts on the glove-  
  
Laguna: Catch, son! -tosses the ball to him-  
  
Squall: -catches the ball-  
  
Laguna: Nice catch, son!  
  
Squall: -throws the ball back hard-  
  
Laguna: -catches it- You almost got me there, son! Good arm! -grin-  
  
Squall: -glare-  
  
Lake: It seems that you two have some hostility issues to work out.  
  
Squall: -glare-  
  
Lake: Well, now for my final word. It doesn't matter whether your father is a giant fish, a genetic mutant, or the ruler of a continent. It's so important to get along with your family because, after all, isn't that the most important thing in the world?  
  
Squall and Tidus, from offscreen: No!  
  
Lake: Well, that's all the time we have today, folks! Be sure and tune in tomorrow for a very special Ricki Lake Show: "Pythons and the Women Who Love Them!"  
  
(Laguna grooves to the closing "jams" as Squall broods next to him. Tidus and company walk back onstage as Tidus waves to the audience and Jecht dances, flippers flapping wildly.)  
  
-Owari!- 


End file.
